Just Call Me Amberly

The internet (invented by former Vice-President Al Gore) is a wonderful world. There is so much to learn, as I'm sure anyone who has spent time on my blog has discovered. Well, I'm going to share a special link with you.

It's called the Mormon Name Generator and by using this simple tool, you can discover what your name would be if you happened to be born into a Mormon family. For example, my name, Mabel Miller, becomes "Amberly Shambertine Crille." Pretty cool.

There are at least three ways the Mormon Name Generator can be used.

First, there's the obvious comedic purposes. Face it, Mormons have some pretty darn funny names. So for those of us who aren't Mormon, it's a great way to join in on the fun.

Second, for those people who ARE Mormons but may be lacking in imagination or creativity, here's something that you may want to take advantage of. For example, let's say that you're a young Mormon woman, about to give birth any day with your first child, but you're at a loss to think of an acceptable Mormon name. If you live in Utah, the competition for cool names must be fierce. Well, all you have to do is just plug in any old boring name into the Mormon Name Generator (i.e., Jill Washington), and there you go - you now have "Janielle Lexington." Everyone will be impressed with your incredible Mormon naming insight, when all you really did was plug in your lame name, and you automatically got a cool one.

Third, it occurs to me that Mormon names are very similar to the names of typical dogs in dog shows. You seldom see dogs named "Mabel" in dog shows, but I can totally imagine a pompous, overly groomed poodle named "Amberly Shambertine Crille," being walked around the ring by someone of questionable sexual orientation. If you've watched any dog shows on T.V., you know what I' m talking about.

So if you're looking for a career in the dog show industry, or if you're Mormon or planning to become one, or if you're just bored with or curious about your name, I highly recommend the Mormon Name Generator.

Amberly... out!

Britney Spears

So... Britney Spears is pregnant.

I have no comment. This situation speaks for itself (heavy dog sigh).

Wisconsin Considers Cat Hunting

I noticed in the news today that Wisconsin is considering legalizing cat hunting.

I'm no fan of cats, but I can get along with just about anyone or anything. I'm just gifted that way. Even when a cat stayed with us for awhile a few years ago, and even when that filthy, disgusting, vile creature actually WALKED ON THE COFFEE TABLE and GLARED AT ME, I did my best to respond to her with a pleasant attitude. I smiled, wagged my tail and put my nose near her face, because, duh, that's just common courtesy. Did she appreciate it? NO! She tried to scratch me, and it was only because of my amazing athletic prowess that I was able to get out of her way. But the point is, she was a jerk and yet I still tried to be nice.

Now you might think that experiences like that would make me cheer when I read about places like Wisconsin wanting to legalize cat hunting. But I'm not cheering (probably because I'm usually sleeping). But even when I'm not sleeping, I'm not cheering about this because you see, this is what we philosophical types like to call a "slippery slope." For those of you who aren't as smart as I am, I'll try to explain it.

A "slippery slope," as I understand it, is a situation where something simple and benign is allowed (i.e., cat hunting), but can and usually does lead to other, more serious things (i.e., dog hunting). Having already been picked up once by Animal Control, and having suffered the indignities of incarceration, I can tell you that was bad enough. But having actual hunters out looking for dogs? That seems a whole lot worse.

So I'm going to reluctantly have to oppose cat hunting, if only to protect more important kinds of animals from possibly being next on the hunting list. However, I wouldn't mind seeing something like "Cat Emphasis Month" from local Animal Control departments. The way this would work is that the Animal Control Department would take a month off from collecting every other animal besides cats. Then, they could even hire extra workers during that month to really give it the attention it deserves.

So Wisconsin, I applaud you for your intention; your heart is clearly in the right place. But let's back the enthusiasm down a few notches and approach the thing a little more thoughtfully. If we can simply rethink the systems we already have in place (i.e. "Cat Emphasis Month"), we can all work together and accomplish great things!

I'm Moving On From the Pope Thing

After lengthy discussions with a certain man of the cloth (who also happens to love and appreciate my kind), I've reluctantly decided to let go of my papal ambitions. There are just too many rules, and I don't think I can remember all of them.

So to avoid embarrassing myself, not to mention God himself, I think it's best to let someone else have that job.

However, I've noticed in the news today that British Prime Minister Tony Blair has called for an election in early May. He wants to be reelected Prime Minister. It's pretty cool when you not only have the job already, but you can also actually decide when the new election will be.

Anyway, that's a job I might want to consider. My species (Cocker Spaniel) originated from the U.K. (although oddly enough, Spanish was my first language. Don't ask). This might be a better fit for me. The British are more dignified, and possibly calmer, than the Italians. And if I were pope, I'd have to deal with all those huge crowds of emotional, Italian, Catholic people. Not that I don't love all people - I just don't love them when they're all together at the same time, all wailing and screaming and trying to touch me. That wouldn't be good. But I've never heard of people treating the British Prime Minister that way. There's a certain decorum in England that I think I could really get into.

So I haven't really decided yet, but I'm really thinking about it. I'll have to sleep on it - several times a day. Jolly good, and cheerio.

Why I Should Be Considered For Pope

Well, it looks like Pope JP II is just about out of here. I've heard these things happen in groups of three; but who would have ever grouped Terry Schiavo, Johnnie Cochran and the Pope together?

Anyway, I'm always looking for a chance to step in and try to help whenever and wherever I can. So I'm putting my name in the running to be the next pope. This may sound strange to you, but I think I have some very good qualifications. Here are but a few of them...

1. I'm Black. Well, mostly. And I've heard that there's been interest in possibly getting a pope from Africa. Well I say, if you're going to do something so radical as to have a Black Pope, why not take it a step farther and make that Black Pope a dog? That would be very courageous. Just a thought, but a good one. This could be just the out-of-the-box thinking the Catholics need right now.

2. I don't mind wearing hats. And people think I'm cute when I wear one.

3. Although I'm capable of making various sounds, nobody can ever understand what I'm talking about. In fact, when I make sounds deep in my throat, I sound a lot like the current pope. This communication style has served him well, so why couldn't it work for me?

4. I don't know how to do very many things. I basically just sit around and think, and when people are around, I express my heartfelt devotion. Oh yeah, and I get them to feed me. But is this negative? I think not! As far as I can tell, this seems to be the Pope's job description: to hang around and think, occasionally make unintelligible sounds that people believe are deep thoughts, and love people. And regularly, his assistants bring his meals. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I DO EVERY DAY!!!

I don't mean to be disrespectful by offering my name while the poor man is still alive. But I think this is important, and in all honesty, if I don't make my move early, there's a good chance people won't know about my superior qualifications.

So let's be brutally honest. I heard on the radio today "we're running out of hope." Right away when I heard that, my superior mind expanded it into an inspirational poem: "We're running out of hope, and we're running out of pope." My friends, I ask you - where else can you find this kind of wisdom?

Anyway, the only condition I have is that the Vatican be moved to Torrance. I want to stay here with my family, and I still want to work on my Blog. But if the Vatican really has to stay where it is, there's no reason why I personally need to move there. It seems to me that the various responsibilities of the Pope can be fulfilled by telecommuting.

God bless you.

P.S. If anyone has the Vatican's email address, please forward it to me. Thanks.