Friday, April 01, 2005

Why I Should Be Considered For Pope

Well, it looks like Pope JP II is just about out of here. I've heard these things happen in groups of three; but who would have ever grouped Terry Schiavo, Johnnie Cochran and the Pope together?

Anyway, I'm always looking for a chance to step in and try to help whenever and wherever I can. So I'm putting my name in the running to be the next pope. This may sound strange to you, but I think I have some very good qualifications. Here are but a few of them...

1. I'm Black. Well, mostly. And I've heard that there's been interest in possibly getting a pope from Africa. Well I say, if you're going to do something so radical as to have a Black Pope, why not take it a step farther and make that Black Pope a dog? That would be very courageous. Just a thought, but a good one. This could be just the out-of-the-box thinking the Catholics need right now.

2. I don't mind wearing hats. And people think I'm cute when I wear one.

3. Although I'm capable of making various sounds, nobody can ever understand what I'm talking about. In fact, when I make sounds deep in my throat, I sound a lot like the current pope. This communication style has served him well, so why couldn't it work for me?

4. I don't know how to do very many things. I basically just sit around and think, and when people are around, I express my heartfelt devotion. Oh yeah, and I get them to feed me. But is this negative? I think not! As far as I can tell, this seems to be the Pope's job description: to hang around and think, occasionally make unintelligible sounds that people believe are deep thoughts, and love people. And regularly, his assistants bring his meals. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I DO EVERY DAY!!!

I don't mean to be disrespectful by offering my name while the poor man is still alive. But I think this is important, and in all honesty, if I don't make my move early, there's a good chance people won't know about my superior qualifications.

So let's be brutally honest. I heard on the radio today "we're running out of hope." Right away when I heard that, my superior mind expanded it into an inspirational poem: "We're running out of hope, and we're running out of pope." My friends, I ask you - where else can you find this kind of wisdom?

Anyway, the only condition I have is that the Vatican be moved to Torrance. I want to stay here with my family, and I still want to work on my Blog. But if the Vatican really has to stay where it is, there's no reason why I personally need to move there. It seems to me that the various responsibilities of the Pope can be fulfilled by telecommuting.

God bless you.

P.S. If anyone has the Vatican's email address, please forward it to me. Thanks.

3 Comments:

At 4:28 PM, Blogger Father Rich said...

Sorry Mable but an opposable thumb is a requisite for Pope. You have to be able to connect tip of your thumb to the tip of your ring finger.If you were a Racoon or a primate you'd slide under the wire but canines don't cut it sorry.

 
At 10:58 PM, Blogger Mabel said...

Note to Father Rich,

With all due respect, I think you're dismissing all my other qualities over a minor issue.

I don't need an opposable thumb. Whenever I need to grip something (either to pick it up, as in food, or to hand it to someone, as in a soggy toy), I use my mouth. There's nothing you can do with your opposable thumb that I can't do with my mouth.

Now, if the specific thing about connecting the tip of the thumb to the tip of the ring finger is simply for aesthetic reasons, then I say it's time to establish new traditions. How many popes, for example, could wag their tails? How many popes could drag their ears on the ground when they walked? And how many popes were so cute that people wanted to scratch them when they walked by?

I rest my case, and my resume will soon be off to the Vatican.

 
At 8:22 AM, Blogger Father Rich said...

Sorry once again mable ,sorry but I bare bad news . The oppasable thumb thing is cannon law(really) you have to be able to make the sign of blessing to bless the people . Although i'd dont know what they'd do if a pope had with no hands. You also bring major laibilty issues to the vatican not because of your stature and the fact that your not catholic(that may offend some people). But it would cost the church of Christ billions of dollars to accomodate your highth and body shape . Oh and Popes are expected to bathe daily.And when you went annualy to bless the tomb of the Martyrs in the catacombs it would be inappropriate to chew on the bones . As a priest who loves your species I don't want to discourage your call to ministry and leadeship. I think you recently missed an opportunity to lead a sizable denomination (Four Square). This is a better fit for you I think.Maybe there is a chance for them to reconsider their choice . Currently there is a relatively unknown guy in the lead there named Jack something. He probably wouldn't be that missed.

 

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