How to Confuse Your Family

There are certain things I love to do, that are just plain mystifying to my family. I hear them say things like, "Why does she do that?", and "Mabel is such a weirdo," or "She's getting old; she's losing brain cells."

But let me assure you, everything I do has a purpose. And the purpose for some of the things I do is just to get a reaction from my family. It's so darn funny. I'd laugh my head off if I could, but everyone knows dogs can't laugh. But it's darn funny, nonetheless. (It's also funny that I know words like "nonetheless").

So here's a partial list of the things I do to confuse my family, purely for selfish entertainment on my part. You might want to try some of these things at home. But if I might add a disclaimer, if you aren't a dog, these things may not be as effective. It's entirely up to you, though.

1. Sit next to someone, and stare at them for a long time. I learned this from watching Eddie the dog on T.V.'s Frasier. It freaks people out, especially when you smell as bad as I do sometimes.

2. Pace around like you need to go outside until someone finally gives in and lets you out. Then, immediately scratch at the door to get back in. Boy, that one kills me.

3. When a door is closed but not fully latched, push it open, walk into the room for a brief moment, and then leave. This one really makes people wonder what's on your mind, when there's actually nothing on my mind - ever. (You can also quietly pick up a sock from the floor while in the room, but this step is completely optional).

4. Variation on #3 - if someone's in the bathroom, sitting on that white thing, sometimes they don't close the door all the way if no one else is home. When that happens, just stick your nose in the door, push it very slightly, then mysteriously walk away. Do this a few times. I've found it really enhances whatever experience they're having in there.

Again, I only recommend these humorous activities if you actually are a dog. Then, you'll be considered "cute," and your family will love you all the more. However, doing things like this if you're a human, particularly #4, will NOT be considered cute, and will likely cause serious relationship problems for you.

Two Equally Effective Responses to Stress

This morning, some Jehovah's Witnesses came to our neighbor's door. For some reason, they didn't come to ours - probably based on a bad experience they may have had recently at the door with the guy I live with.

Anyway, there's a dog who lives next door ("Mickey," like the mouse), and his reaction to the J.W.'s and mine demonstrates two very different, but equally effective responses to stress. Let me share them with you, so in case the J.W.'s, or the mailman, or survey takers for the Republican Party, or kids selling newspapers come to your door, you'll be prepared.

Mickey's Way - bark like a maniac and scare the crap out of anyone who comes to the door. Today, this caused a lot of raised voices on the part of the J.W.'s, as well as the woman who lives next door, but the end result is that the J.W.'s left and no one was injured, so that was a good thing.

My Way - find an inconspicuous place to lie down, like behind a chair, and go back to sleep.

I realize that you people-types aren't really "barkers," but you do know how to yell and scream, so I imagine that would also work pretty well if a survey-taker came to your door. If you just start screaming at the top of your lungs, he won't stay at your door very long.

Or, just do what I do - ignore the door, change positions, and go back to sleep. A lot of life situations can be handled this way, and this method has gotten me to where I am today.